Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
