my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
