the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
