Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
