well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
why do cheetos always look like penises
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
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