My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
