I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize