We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
