no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
