i think my mom watched the whole time
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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