I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
