Where is the hickey?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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