Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
