I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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