are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
