all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
