i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
