I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
