the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
