I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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