Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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