I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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