You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
