Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
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OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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