I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Randomize
