so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
So. Much. Porn.
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