Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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