Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
