I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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