U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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