never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I have already put on my inside pants.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
