Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Im part way to drunk.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
