Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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