my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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