twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
