Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
