I just made out with a guy for $7.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
