Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
