im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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