After last night, I could never be a politician.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
