I should be sponsored by Trojan
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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