remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
