mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
