you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
