bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Watching her eat just hurts me
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
