had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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