She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
