apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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