I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
