I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
