Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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