I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
