not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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