EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
