Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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