Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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