Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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